Monday, June 16, 2014

Apostrophe Apocalypse.

What is with people using an apostrophe for plural words?
It's everywhere - social media, emails and even professional resumes, I kid you not!

When in doubt, google the damn thing. Don't just add an apostrophe by default, it doesn't make everything grammatically correct. 

Excerpt from a brilliant resume -

"SPOC for all agent's and manager's spread across 16 countries spread in 4 major location's"

I am not even talking about the chronic absence of the commas in this sentence. That validates a different post altogether.

In honor of all these idiots..I'll just leave this image right here.


 

Image source : http://www.someecards.com/usercards/

Sunday, June 15, 2014

We Indians Are SO Weird!

So I was scrolling through my FB timeline in the usual mindless fashion and I came across this post one of my 'friends' copied. So, I have no shame re-copying it and am in fact glad this exists.

Points to note that ALL Indians do/ believe in. I am guilty of most of these, some as recent as today!


1. Every Indian bachelor wants to marry a fair girl.

2. When the doorbell rings, a male or kid goes to open the door. But the female runs for her dupatta.

3. Picking up/dropping a relative (airport / railway station) is an important family affair.

4. We thrive on street food and we don't get sick.

5. Every Indian mother has 2 careers - Working / Housewife + Match Making.

6. We have all had secret boyfriends / girlfriends. We don’t care about them cheating on us but we dread getting caught by each others parents.

7. Indian girls have 3 type of brothers. Real brother, Cousin brother, Rakhee brother.

8. The bride must cry at her Vidai. She has no business looking happy.

9. We go on cleaning sprees only during Diwali or when we have guests coming over.

10. However old we are, our parents need to know every detail of our schedule. Daily. No excuses. No exemption.

11. When Indian parents buy tickets, every child becomes under 12. Getting a half ticket is a huge victory!

12. If we live in another city and don't call our Mom daily , she’ll freak out and call all our friends to make sure we are alive.

13. We get embarrassed in front of our parents even when the word “sex” is written on a Form to specify gender.

14. No other nationality can beat Indians in bargaining. “Chalo bhaiya . Na tera na mera. Itne paise theek hain.”

15. Doesn't matter if we are Convent educated. When we are actually angry, we switch to highly effective, dirty, swear words in our mother tongue.

16. We spend more time talking to guests at the door when they are leaving than while sitting in the living room.

17. Why to change the remote batteries when you can just slap the shit out of the remote and make it work?

18. Meeting a person with the same surname is like finding a long lost twin


So true, innit? Again, this isn't my writing and exists mainly due to the miracle of Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V


P.S. If the original author reads this, let me know, I will be happy to link it to your original piece.


Thursday, April 3, 2014

HIMYM - Read 'How The Show Got Massacred'

Never did I think I would rant about how a TV show ends. But hey, stranger things happen everyday.
To the creators of the show - Why would you do that to Ted Mosby? More importantly, why would you do that to us?
You make us wait for years. You name the show after the effing Mother and then you go and KILL her? I am majorly disappointed. And I did the Ted-Robin 'majorly disappointed' salute just now.

That's how much the show got to us.

The entire of the last season has been exasperating, just barely peppered with a few good moments. The only reason I kept watching it is just to obtain a sense of closure. It's like a car-wreck. You hate that it happened, but you can't look away.

And all the going back and forth between time lines, ADHD anyone? Ted going back to Robin is the worst idea ever. What do they think is going to happen? Robin will tour all over the world again, and Ted, being the incessant pain in the ass will get all whiny about it and then whine-dial Lily to complain. Thank God we don't have to watch that.
Also, he has just told his children that it is okay to sleep around, develop commitment issues, run away when you're uncomfortable, live like a doormat, shop till you are severely in debt and still expect the other person to stick around. If it's meant to be, all crappy behavior on your part is okay.  It is also okay to hook up with the other person if they do all this to you. That, I find masochistic.
Barney has a daughter, and goes all saint-like. After sleeping with 31 women in a month, no less. Someone then thought it was okay to have him call out the two girls in the bar, asking them to cover-up and call their parents. The same girls he took advantage of, over and over again. He seems to have forgotten those girls were somebody's daughters too. How about he call out the men picking up girls instead and teach them to treat women well? Also, New York seems to have blue french horns lying around, waiting to be bestowed upon emotionally unavailable, but needy women.

I know, I know. It is just a show.

It is, and I sat through ALL of it, hoping for a better ending. Honestly, though I didn't like the mother initially, I grew to like her. It is only natural that I get pissed off when she dies with no explanation. What is this mysterious illness you speak of?  Go talk to the writers of 'FRIENDS' before you end a show next time.

Now, here's what I liked about the end -

Lily and Marshall remained awesome.
I loved the little talk Ted and Tracy have under the yellow umbrella.
Robin's career finally takes off.
Ted seems totally okay with grey hair.

Yeah, that's it. Rest of the episode had me rolling my eyes for the most part. At the least, we can all now rest in peace and move on to the next overly-hyped TV show.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

8 Ways To Ensure Your Colleagues Hate You.

This post is the result of pure exasperation and helplessness of having to deal with weirdos life has to offer.
I have been working in a corporate environment for the better part of my adult life. From the time I was eighteen, to be precise. Yes, friggin eighteen. That means I have also spent a good part of my life avoiding people because of the creepy vibes they give off, and that, ladies and germs, brings me to the first point.

1) Skunked!
Since we're talking about giving off vibes, here is something that You can give off too - odour. Nothing will make your colleague hate you more than body odour will. If you want to be left well alone or even better completely detoured around, don't shower. Of if you're one of those people that have to, since you sweat excessively, say goodbye to your deo.

2) The Blah.
If you're one of those people that can kind of feel themselves stinking and would rather shower each day, try the jabber mouth approach. Yes, be THAT person. Talk all day, everyday. You don't even have to make any sense. Infact, talk all about yourself, like how you got that brand new car, again. Or how your mom thinks you're the most adorable person or how girls cannot stop swooning over you, or how you kill that workout at the gym. Come on, your life is so exciting, every one deserves to hear all about it.

3) The-I'm-too-good-for-your-face approach.
If you find talking that exhausting, try the opposite approach. Don't talk at all, like each word out of your mouth is worth a dollar. If someone talks to you, give them a stiff smile, if you're feeling too generous, you could also nod. If you're a guy, this will ensure that you're left alone till kingdom come. If you're a girl, a few guys are gonna try twice or thrice. But nothing an icy stare can't fix, right?

4) Muckraker magic
Ensuring someone hates you is a tough job. You need to have a strategy carefully worked out. It might take a little effort initially, but sure is worth the effort. How about this? Find someone, possibly a chick, and get her talking, the more scandalous the information, the better. Best done in the ladies washroom, if you're a girl or a chat at the office pantry if you're a guy. Then, go to his/ her arch rival and leak this bit of information to him/ her. Get this person talking, since you've given them a juicy tidbit already and pass the new information around. Now sit back and watch your handiwork come to a full circle. Oh yeah, you're the office plague now.

5) Suck ups will rule the world!
Every office, every single one, has that one idiot that tries to be the boss's favorite person. While your boss might not really give a shit about you, pretending to be his/her little elf goes a long way. Carry her bag, or bring him home-cooked lunch. Pass on little nuggets about your co-workers. Betty-big-nose attended a job interview? The boss's gotta know. Mr.Goody-two-shoes was out drinking when he was supposed to be home sick, how about a picture of his drunk face on the boss's desk? You will be hated so much, the devil will sympathize with you.

6) I see you. No, I dont.
Try this - Establish eye contact. Now, slowly look away. Do not smile, do not nod, do not acknowledge. It's human to smile on eye contact and the poor bloke that you look at, will. You're messing with human expectations, gettit? This method requires the least effort, with maximum benefit. You are now the official corporate creep.

7) 'Cos you're feeling good
Intrude everyone's personal space. Be the touchy-feely slime bag. Pat women lightly on their hands, feel men up their back and shoulders. Make people want to back away when they see you coming. Be careful though, there's a good chance you might be thrown out for sexual harassment first.

8) Broke is my middle name
It's never good to pay for your food, right? The right time to get someone to pay for you is when they're ordering the food. Go "Hey, watchu ordering? I'm starving." or "Man, I haven't eaten all day". Make their obligation to order for you quite clear. Or simply join their table and start picking out their food while they eat. Nothing will make them hate you more.

If none of the above ideas work, admit it. You're an extremely likable person and you are doomed for life.

I have at some point met each of these characters in my professional life and have learnt excellent maneuvering skills. And believe me, these people in all reality do exist.

Making the world a better place, one weirdo at a time.


<< /end rant >>

Monday, February 17, 2014

Bloody, Sparkling Confetti - Part 3

This post has been looong pending.
I've somehow kept up over the last two years with updating what I did/ didn't do for the New Year's eve. I gotta say, the welcoming of New Year 2014 has been the best yet. Why, you ask? Lets go over a quick check list.

Partied away from my home city? - Check
Partied all night? - Check
Kick-ass fireworks when the clock stuck 12? - Check
Hugged the love of your life at 12? - Check
Danced till 6 am? - Check

There were a few side affects to all this of course. Hubby had to fend off all the men and ladies *gasp* hitting on me the whole time. But considering that we were in Goa, everything that happens there is the new 'normal'. Then, there was this horrible aching in my feet the whole of that week, and returning to work was a terrible ordeal in itself.

When I look back at the Part 2 of this post, I am not very surprised at how morbid I sounded a year ago. Miserable that I felt, I did move on. The world is a bad place and there is little space for the honest to live in. But that does not mean we give up. We fight the good fight and hope for the best. There are still days where I feel I've hit rock bottom but I look around and see the ones I love. That is reason enough to wake up everyday and give it another shot.

2013 has been a year of successes and let downs, just like every year. And so, that is exactly what I am prepared for this year as well. After all, what is life without some sugar and spice? Though, as an after thought - more of sugar, less of spice please, thanks very much.

P.S. - I still can't get over how grown-up I sound!

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

I Am A Big Girl Now. I Think.

I've been gone so long. There is no excuse. Well there is - Life.
Life is my excuse.

That being said, I'm back. For the time being at least..

So much has happened over the last few months. I settled nicely into the new job. I even finished a whole year here. Looking at this post, I was pretty sure I'd have another job on my resume within weeks, no matter how optimistic that post sounded. But I stayed, so hooray!

But the point of this post is to note how far I've come. Besides, it's the end of another year, what else is there to do? The difference dawned on me when my organisation hired a bunch of trainees right out of college. I realized I was looking down my nose on them and was super annoyed by their enthusiasm. Yes, annoyed because they had so much energy. Maturity, not so much.

So I've decided to make a list of things that prove that I'm no longer the-little-girl-trying-to-act-grown-up but am rather quickly on my way to turning into an old hag.

1) I've gotten used to being comfortable. There was a time when I used to get fidgety in about 5 seconds, but now the boredom is just replaced with comfort in routine. Scary, I know.

2) Loud music hurts my head sometimes. My younger self would dance all day, everyday to any kind of music. But now, your's truly needs the following for enjoy herself at a night out - right kind of drinks, the right crowd, the right ambiance, the right lighting, the right music, the right company, the right DJ..you get the point right?

3) The ideal way to spend my evening would be with a ...hold your breath - A book.

You may now exhale.

4) I have absolutely NO time for anything. A massage, a sudden meeting with a friend, or any activity that is not planned a few weeks in advance. It's a straight up, simple 'no'. Any free time I have is spent as per point # 3 mentioned above.

5) I am perfectly alright spending the night in my jammies and a sweatshirt, cuddled up on the sofa, on a Saturday! There was a time when that horrified me. I would worry about my Saturday night plans starting right from Monday morning. Now I don't make my Saturday night plans, even on a Saturday. That being said, I am still dragged to parties and I'm constantly looking at my phone for an excuse to cop out of them.

6) Movies bore me. I've seen them all. Movie plots seem to repeat themselves in an endless loop and I couldn't be bothered to see if this one's any different.

7) Every time I see an early-20-something-somebody act cocky, I don't react. I just wait for them to trip on their own laces 'cos I know exactly what's coming at them next. I also realize this is how the world felt when I was an early-20-something-somebody. *insert smug look here*

8) I am excellent at make-up. Enough said.

9) 'Fun' is replaced by just being happy. I truly value the feeling of 'peace'. It's hard to come by and if it does, it doesn't last long.

10) And lastly, I have only a handful of people I call friends and family. Everyone else has simply been eliminated by vices.

All this boils down to one thing - I am happy. Not satisfed, but happy.

I'm still not okay with little girls calling me 'aunty'.Thankfully, no one has started to. Yet.

P.S. I still love shopping till I'm broke. I said I've grown up, not transitioned into a man. Lets not get carried away.

Friday, May 10, 2013

To Stay On Or To Stick It.

I am a drifter.

I'm not a quitter, mind you. But a drifter.
I remember changing at least five schools as a kid. My sense of not 'belonging' anywhere started as a kid. So, I don't have that lifelong kin-ship you would have with your school mates, because you spent all your formative years together. I mean, you would know when J pooped his pants and H would eat nose-boogers. And yet, you see them now, doing what they are as grown-ups, no matter how much they changed, they would still be your chaddi-buddies in its true sense.

I think, I carried that feeling of being an alien all my life. My friends would be sharing an inside joke, that everyone knew and I would have no idea what it meant, and I wouldn't mind either. I don't think anyone intended to alienate me, but it just happened. So now, I am prepared to not 'belong'. I carried that attitude through college, through my first job, my second job, my third..you see the trend.

I did make lasting relationships along the way, I pick the people I am around very carefully. But maybe, that's the exact habit I need to let go.
The first decision I make when I start new at someplace is, "I'm gonna stick around for so-and-so months. And then, I'm gonna move there". And because that has been my intention the whole while, it ends up happening anyway.

So now, here, though the work is crazy and people are hard to reason with, I'm going to try and stay on. I've quit jobs for the silliest of reasons. So imagine when the going gets tough. I actually get going, just that it's out the door.

I've already planned on giving interviews, pulling a few connections etc. etc. This morning, I was woken up by a call for an interview I would have attended just for kicks. But I told them I already had a job, not looking for a 'change'. Instead of walking out on drama, like someone said - I'm just going to wait for the jerks to quit.

I think this post is a reality check. I have no need to belong, but I think I should. Everyone should know what it is like to 'belong'. It isn't a need, it is a luxury. With the kind of lives we live, where no one is anybody, it's only right that you know somebody. That you know the people in the place where you live, where you work and where you eat.



P.S. I'm still miles away from getting pally with my neighbors next door. That's just asking for trouble.